Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence | Esther Perel

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence | Esther Perel | Wow--what a great read.

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Mating in Captivit...

	Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence Esther Perel Harper Paperbacks, 2007 - 272 pages average customer review:based on 34 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

What every man needs to know about their wife

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
Every man who is married or may be soon needs to read this book. It is an extremely useful, well written, well thought out explanation of how to balance love and lust in a marrage. The authors conclusions are simple and brillant. Ms. Perel analyzes and discusses things no newly married person ever thinks will happen to him, her or both of them but it can and it usually does. My humble advice is empower yourself and be happy. Read this book. Raphael

Wow--what a great read.

This is a great book for anyone to read--old, young, married or not, this author really unlocks erotic intelligence for the rest of us. She takes on loads of interesting questions, the first being: Why does lust seem to fade? I found it highly intelligent and an all around good read. I also like, similiarily, Playtime.

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Guiding sex and eroticism in marriage

Esther Perel is a "couples therapist" who deals with all types of human couples be they heterosexual, lesbian, gay, mixed race, mixed religion, and most any other category where eroticism and/or sexual behavior is involved. She tells it like it is through her years of therapy practice with many humans.

While I had a hard time getting into this book, I can understand where it would be a great asset to many couples regardless of age, race, sex, or personal background. The author compares sex in the modern world in the United States as it compares to other areas of the world. We in the United States are more aggressive in sexual behavior but we are also too self worried about our personal actions and performance compared to many other areas of the world. The comparison of eroticism and sex is completely different. The author goes to great lengths to attempt to explain these differences.

Her one on one and couples therapy goes into many aspects of what many call love, some mistaking love for sex. She will have sessions with a couple and then, if needed, separate them to delve deeper into their problems. Many of today's marriage problems are due not only to sexual problems but the ability to assume each partners role in their marriage; how it came about; how their daily lives affect their bedroom life; how outside influences such as work affect both partners; how children sometimes cause a blockade; and how to resolve these problem areas before they have gone so far that the marriage is broken.

The book explains various types of groups that her patients have spoken about in their therapy and the suggestions she has rendered to them. Group consensual sex, sex with someone outside the marriage, and sexual encounters in "swingers" groups, all have helped some but have also taken their life in reverse. The use of fantasies by each mate is described quite deeply with its benefits and pitfalls. The bringing of more intimacy into a couples life and how it enhances both. She explains that sex is not the answer to everything even though it was a major part of their early marriage; it cannot exist as the only part of a marriage in order to keep it flowing smoothly.

As an older person reading this book I really did not learn much for my age group but I could equate many a family and friend needing some of the therapy this book gives freely. Can it save a marriage or a union? Possibly so by directing them down a new and steadier path towards happiness in their bedroom and in their total lives even with children in those lives that might be creating a block for you.

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Interesting & Very Informative

Esther Perel practices psychotherapy in New York City and is on the faculty of the International Trauma Studies Program affiliated with Columbia University. She has appeared on several television programs including The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Day New York, CBS This Morning and Women Aloud. In Mating in Captivity Perel uses her twenty years of experience and a great deal of research to present a new take on intimacy and sex. Perel states in her introduction that she has inverted the usual therapeutic priorities wherein the usual norm is to inquire about the state of a couple's union first and then inquire how this is manifested in the bedroom. In other words, as Perel affirms, "the underlying assumption is that if we can improve the relationship, the sex will follow." However, Perel informs us that in her practice such is not the case.

Dividing her book into eleven chapters, Perel explores how couples can reconcile the domestic and the erotic, how to know your partner while recognizing his or her persistent mystery, how to create security while remaining open to the unknown cultivating intimacy that respects privacy. We learn how and why couples that settle in the comforts of love very often fan the flames of desire forgetting that fire needs air. In another chapter we are cautioned that if we value only what is disclosed through words, we do ourselves a disservice for nonverbal communication is extremely important as an alternative way to express our love such as minor tasks that we do for our lover. Readers will also be shown how to uncover the dynamics of power wherein tensions are examined and inequities are addressed. However, as mentioned, not all inequities are a source of trouble as sometimes they form a couple's basis of harmony. It is essential that we learn how to harness it and together to try to discover ways to express it safely, creatively, fearlessly, and sexually.

Perel also examines the complaint made by too many couples that they have settled into a routine lifestyle where they just don't have the time or patience for open-ended reflection. These couples don't realize that eroticism challenges us to seek a different kind of resolution; one that will permit us to surrender to the unknown and breach the confines of the rational world, but in the process will make our lives more interesting and less mundane. Another section delves into erotic intimacy and how they reveal our memories, wishes, fears, expectations, and struggles within our sexual relationships. Perel devotes considerable ink to examining how parenthood sometimes threatens a couple's love life and how our inhibitions may also cause harm to our children if we should censor our sexuality, curb our desires or perhaps even renounce them altogether.

These are only some of the many topics that Perel examines wherein she provides some very interesting insights and a wealth of information. We are even provided with an extensive bibliography as well as a list of notes to back up some of her findings and assertions. One caveat, however, this is a book that you will not be able to gobble down so fast as there is a great deal to ponder. Perel is very well informed and she certainly has done her homework, however, I found that from time-to-time she has a tendency to ramble without getting to the point. Her combination of personal observation, research and professional experience is an information packed journey, however, to many readers this may prove too difficult to digest particularly where there is an absence of a synthesis of the major points at the end of each chapter. Nonetheless, the book is worthy of a read.

Norm Goldman, Editor Bookpleasures

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Mating In Captivity

Not for the traditionalist. Perel pushes the boundaries on societies current view on what a relationship 'should' be. She has exceptional insight, and if you are willing to take her views and ideas on board, a lot of relationship issues could be resolved. I personally relate to a lot of what Perel covers, and i guess if you have the inclination to buy this book, then you will too. Not an easy read, but a book you can not put down nonetheless. Highly recommended.

reviews: 1, 2, page 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

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