After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful |...

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful | Janis Abrahms Spring, Michael Spring | REALLY helped me by giving me validation

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After the Affair: ...

	After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful Janis Abrahms Spring, Michael Spring Harper Paperbacks, 1997 - 304 pages average customer review:based on 83 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

Excellent, insightful work

as a psychologist, i have found this book to be a wonderful resource. i have used it with many patients who have been on the giving or receiving end of an affair and have also used it with patients who have a family history characterized by an affair. the book is great for getting both members of the couple to look at the ways in which they could do things differently in the relationship. it's unfortunate but true that an affair can often bring couples closer together. i certainly do not think that this is the way to get your partner's attention (!), but i do believe that relationships can survive an infidelity. this book provides hope and help for strengthening a marriage after an affair.

one of the best parts of the book discusses the process of learning from the affair. this chapter includes a section on how our own family of origin issues can contribute to our tendencies to push others away, withdraw from others, or otherwise sabotage a relationship. for instance, dr. spring speaks of a situation in which a person never got to be a child and sought a lover to get in touch with that impulsive, childlike side of the personality. none of the tendencies that she describes are meant as excuses for behavior, though. rather, they are meant as potential reasons and points of consideration so that the individual may work toward preventing an affair. this section alone made the book worth reading for me, and i have used it with faithful couples who appear to be attempting to sabotage their relationship in some way.

for those who say that this book blames the faithful partner, i remind you of what anais nin said: "we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." while this book provides the faithful partner with points to ponder during the process of recovery, the message is not one of blaming that spouse for driving the unfaithful spouse to an affair. in my opinion, that is simply NOT possible. i can't MAKE my spouse have an affair any more than i can MAKE him stand on his head or eat asparagus! if it's not yours, don't own it. simply read the book, do some instrospecting, and work to make your love strong enough to withstand the trials and tribulations that characterize a relationship between two people who love each other deeply.

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REALLY helped me by giving me validation

When my husband had an affair with my best friend, my therapist recommended this book to me. It was VERY, VERY helpful. It really explains all the reasons people have affairs - the circumstances that can create them, what's missing inside you and in your relationship, etc. I cannot recommend it enough. It helped validate a lot of things for me and helped me gravitate back to good self-esteem. Get a copy for your spouse, too.

no nonsense

I was appalled to see how many copies of this book have been sold, and how many books there are dealing with this sad issue. Such a big problem, and it's so devestating that everyone who experiences it seems to feel desperate for an answer. This book is one of the best out there, and was recommended to me by our marriage counselor. It doesn't provide absolutes, 'must do' things, but it does provide very helpful insights into both the hurt partners point of view as well as the straying partners point of view, which is helpful when making the decision to stay or leave the relationship. I haven't run across another book that was so clearly written, and from two viewpoints. Ms. Spring certainly tried very hard to be unbiased, and for the most part succeeds. I would recommend this to anyone suffering this kind of anguish, as well as for their partner.

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This book restored my sanity and saved our relationship!

If you've been cheated on and are desperate for answers and understanding like I was, you need this book. After I found out about the affair, it was a nightmare. The anger was overwhelming to the point it consumed my every thought. We didn't know where to begin to start dealing with our own thoughts or with each other. This helped me understand more and guided us on how to talk in a constructive way so we could begin to heal. It's been five months and we're probably getting along better than ever. We chose to stay together and I'm not sure we would have succeeded without the help of this book and it's great advice.
Good luck to you!

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A must read...no matter what side your'e on

My husband just ended an affair of over 15 months that started just months after our second child was born. My therapist as well as our marital counselor both recommended this book to us. It unlike many other self-help books about affairs walks you through what each person is thinking, feeling, etc. Even when I was at my angriest this book helped me see that he too was hurting and it helped me have some compassion for his recovery as well. I would definitely recommend this book for both partners as it truly does open your eyes to what the other person is going through...things that neither party can probably put into words.

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