I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality | Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus | borderline at best

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I Hate You, Don't ...

	I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus Avon, 1991 - 224 pages average customer review:based on 119 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

"AM I LOSING MY MIND?"

People with Borderline Personality Disorderexperience such violent and frightening mood swingsthat they often fear for their sanity. They can beeuphoric one moment, despairing and depressed thenext. There are an estimated 10 million sufferersof BPD living in America today -- each displayingremarkably similar symptoms:

a shaky sense of identity sudden violent outburstsoversensitivity to real or imagined rejection brief, turbulent love affairsfrequent periods of intense depressioneating disorders, drug abuse, and other
self-destructive tendenciesan irrational fear of abandonment and an
inability to be alone

For years BPD was difficult to describe, diagnose, andtreat. But now, for the first time, Dr. Jerold J. Kreismanand health writer Hal Straus offer much-neededprofessional advice, helping victims and their familiesto understand and cope with this troubling,shockingly widespread affliction.

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Helped some

I was told I had BPD at a young age but didn't really understand what that meant..Borderline of what I kept asking but still never got a good answer. I came across this book and it was my life summed up. It helped me understand what I was doing and how to deal with it for the most part.
The end was a little dry but I felt better just knowing I was not the only person with BPD.

borderline at best

this book is dated (published in 1989 a lot can happen in 20 years), and heavy on annecdotal recollections. for every nugget of useful information/advise, there are two or three examples of borderlines in action. these "war stories" do not offer much in the way of advice or coping options. anyone who has been in a relationship with a BPD (marriage/divorce, professional, friendship, etc.) knows the drill. I agree with the reviewer who advises "don't make this your first BPD book". the book has value, but I found the helpful parts few and far between. put this fourth on fifth on your reading list.

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Difficult.

i would have given this book more than three stars if it could have gone into considerably more detail about how to live with a borderline. it has a brief chapter on the SET approach to living with or counselling someone with borderline. Support, Empathy and Truth, but to be honest there are times when this just does not work. so... more needed on how to live with and love ones partner, parent or whomsoever who is afflicted by borderline personality disorder.

it may take a long period of time before someone with BPD starts to display their BPD. you could have been coexisting happily for say five years, with long long talks about problems and fears about this and that, without any real rage been directed at you. as time goes on however someone suffering from BPD will start to shout at you, as if you were the enemy he were raging at. then you will be criticised and run down for not being good enough... for not caring and not understanding him. what started as a beautiful relationship gets very difficult. this is because BPD suffers see things in black and white, without any shades of grey. you are either completely good or completely bad. even the smallest of mistakes turns you into a monster, and this will not be forgotten. there will be days however when all is fine and then other days (infact possibly every day) when you are seen as evil... after all the kind things he has done for you and you have done for him. this is since there is no contiuity in his view of the world. every day he has to prove himself to you and you have to again prove yourself to him. you have made sacrifices and they are all forgotten. every one of them. this is very hard for someone with BPD, but also disheartening and frightening for the partner who lives with him.

a BPD sufferer will sometimes truthfully tell you that he doesnt love you. he did at the beginning, but now he has begun to use you 'the bad guy' as a cross on which to pin all his pain and frustration. this is not love, the love has gone. and this tends to happen when there are stressful circumstances in his life.

BPD suffers are regularly suffering genuine stress related pain and physical ailment, boils on leges etc etc. as a result they are in and out of doctors surgeries. headaches, chest pain, palpitations. these pains make them worry and the worry eventually becomes abusive. BPD sufferers are quite often obsessive. the position of the tooth-paste tube is important on the sink. cleanliness can be very important. fear is a major factor.

like a child... one moment he loves you and the next he is raging at you (switching). not i have to say his fault. this is an illness often resulting from an awfully traumatic childhood. it is hard to write sensitively about BPD, especially when ones ex-best mate has it.

i believe that if the raging becomes too bad that a partner must give him the option to undergo therapy, or to go into hospital, or if not she must leave him. at least thats my take on it. thats the truth. as with a child, structure and boundaries are need, but they MUST be stuck to. if you say something and dont do it, even though he tests your boundaries, inconsistency will lead to even more demanding, manipulating and testing. these things are not done willfully, but are largely emotionally driven and he is i believe unaware that he is doing them most of the time. it is very important to reassure him that YOU are unhappy that he is suffering so badly, and that this upsets you (Sympathy), you have to let him know that you know he is suffering, you can see it (empathy). and try whenever possible to speak the truth.

unfortunately in my experience boundaries were almost always brushed aside and ignored. my own needs and need for sleep and rest for example, a break from the giving out (lengthy one sided talks about the problems and evils of this and that). if he will not respect your boundaries you will need to take action, and this could mean leaving him.

borderlines think like children and even speak in a childish voice from time to time. it is very hard for them to see that their actions have consequences, but they need to learn this. its hard to balance sympathy and empathy with truth. but the truth is that this world is not a loving family, people are inconsistent. he needs to learn that people have their good days and their bad days, not to see them as all evil or all good.

the encouraging thing about this book is that it says there may be 'some' improvement in the borderlines behaviour, it may take a 'very' long time to see this, but it is possible that he may mellow through the years using the SET approach. it could however get worse. it must be noted that this book was written in 1989, and much has changed since then. i believe myself that medication will help him. (neuroleptics/antipsychotics) if he can be persuaded to take them. the Truth aspect of SET must be proposed to him. its "take the pills, or i leave" "i love you, i have tried to help you, but you must take these pills." or undergo psychotherapy of some kind. as you know confronting him with the truth about his behaviour may cause an eruption of anger, but this must be done sensitively and lovingly. try not to argue, just state the facts lovingly and gently as possible. continuous reassurance is needed.

if he is suicidal he will tell you not to call the hospital to show your respect for him. tell him, you wouldnt have told me unless you want me to protect you. therefore i am going to call the hospital. consequences. he must learn (though he will find this very hard to understand) that there must be consequences to his behaviour. if you are afraid to call the hospital through any kind of fear. then its time for you to be leaving. just call a friend hop in a car and go. anywhere, there are hostels in most towns. call your brother or sister, or a good friend. you need to talk to an old friend about this.

if he's threatening to kill himself and you are saying you will die with him, nows definitely the time to leave. but as a final word, this could be a very dangerous situation you are in, probably not. i spent five years with my ex-friend and never once felt uncomfortable, it would be unwise to not take his suicide threats seriously, but you have to live your own life. allowing someone to be dependent on you is very unhealthy and could result in your own destruction. dont answer his calls, you can write him a letter to explain that you need to get on with your own life now. he will try to come back to you, but you must stick to your word, unless you want to sacrifice your own happiness and possibly your own life.

there will be some who will say that what i am saying is rubbish. if those boundaries are respected fine, but i can tell you now they may well be ignored and will definitely be tested.

with love, from snow-flake. xxx

little indicators of hidden BPD. easily getting irritated, poor sleep patterns, long periods of talking, without listening much to your views about things. loving and hating things. not respecting your little needs, criticism of you of any kind, even if its just in a hint and not direct. often talks of fear of loneliness (i guess the borderline is affected by this far worse than most people.)

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